When I think of coaching I remember Cinderella's fairy godmother. I see her dressed in a beautiful ball gown surrounded by enchanted fairy dust that can transform the ordinary into the extraordinary. It wasn't until I was an adult that I thought about what the fairy godmother did not do when she appeared in Cinderella's life.
When the fairy godmother showed up she didn't spend anytime sorting out Cinderella's ongoing conflicts with her step mother and step sisters. The fairy godmother did not comment on Cinderella's victimhood, or commiserate with Cinderella about her present circumstances. The fairy godmother did not spend any time exploring the pains of the past, or the death and loss of her father. They did not talk about Cinderella's father's betrayal evidenced by marrying a woman who would ultimately abuse and humiliate Cinderella.
The fairy godmother did not consult with other experts to diagnose or codify conscious and unconscious behaviors and motivations into pre existing categories of dysfunction. So if the fairy godmother avoided Cinderella's conflicts, ignored her pain and wounds of the past and present, if she didn't console and sympathize with her, what did the fairy godmother do?
The fairy godmother talked with Cinderella about what was possible. Through a conversation about the bright possibilities of the future, the fairy godmother shifted Cinderella's attention away from stress and toward harmony. Together they focused on what Cinderella wanted. They did not focus on the negative, stressful, or unwanted that seemed to dominate Cinderella's present circumstances. Next the fairy godmother transformed the ordinary aspects and tools present in Cinderella's everyday life. She facilitated this transformation by creating a shift in perspective. Again she asked Cinderella to look at the ordinary through the lens of positive possibilities and use the resources she already had as tools for manifesting her goals. Lastly together they created a plan that allowed Cinderella to interact in life with dignity and purpose. With these three easy steps the fairy godmother nurtured and encouraged the possible positive outcomes for Cinderella's future.
For me, using the stuff of everyday life to nurture and encourage positive outcomes is the heart of coaching. The fairy godmother, or life coach, understands that it is not what happens to us that creates future unhappiness. Our happiness is contingent on our abilities to cultivate resilience, resourcefulness and creativity. Our future happiness depends on taking what resources we may have overlooked, that are available in the present, and building a positive action plan. Cinderella wanted to go to the ball and the fairy godmother created an unconventional plan that could take her to the ball.
But wanting, believing, and having a good plan were not enough. It's not enough to want and dream about change in our life. We have to commit to behaviors that encourage these possibilities to become reality. Once immersed in these new behaviors we can take a look around us, and like Cinderella when we arrive at the ball, we must allow ourselves to savor the wonder of it all. Like Cinderella, we can lose ourselves in the moment, caught up in the gift of the present. When we live out our dreams with intention, volition, creativity and determination we find the crucible of healing. The pains of the past fall away. We are no longer trapped by negative conditioning and misconceptions that limit our abilities. We are in the process of recreating our lives with beauty and power. The flame of transformation engulfs us and we are never the same again. Ask Cinderella. Using the fairy godmother method of focusing on the positive goals, using the stuff of our life that is readily available incorporated into a specific plan that supports favorable outcomes and voila, Cinderella became a woman of power no longer at the mercies of the negative factors that plagued her in the past. And you can too. Yes, we may have setbacks and future failures. But we know with resilience, a good plan, and acting on our plan, the possibilities of a myriad of positive, favorable outcomes awaits us in the future.
Jennifer Morse, M.S. is an author, life coach and the creator of Rainbow Walker Products: Products designed to shift your attention toward beauty and away from stress.
